The thing about waking up is you have to do it every day. The ceaseless march of time spares nobody. How do you sustain a zest for life, vitality, and gigantic muscles amidst the nonstop creep of complacency? Easy. You create a six-hour morning routine.
On Thursday, a Twitter account expertly titled “Tips for Men - Fashion | Essentials | Luxury” posted a short but powerful video. In it, fitness influencer Ashton Hall walks us through his daily habits. The one minute and 26 second compilation, accompanied by text that just reads “The morning routine,” depicts Hall in a frankly ridiculous set of circumstances. The first frame features Hall—rubbing his hands together, sans shirt, hostage tape covering his mouth—standing in front of a mirror so long before the crack of dawn it’s basically the previous night. That part alone is notable, as most people (with the exception of Mark Wahlberg) are not built to grind that early in the morning. It only gets wilder from there.
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Again, the timestamped video covers about six hours of Hall’s day, which allows for plenty of different activities; nonetheless, it’s still remarkable how much he manages to pack in. And while he’s probably not doing this every day (and the video may have been disseminated with another goal in mind—in this case, there appears to be a cryptocurrency connection), that doesn’t mean we can’t overanalyze it. The video has been viewed 677 million times and counting at the time of this writing, so we’re clearly not the only ones entranced.
While you scheme up ways to lock in and optimize your own life, allow us to rank each part of this herculean man’s very involved, very silly morning routine, from worst to best.
18. Waking up, 3:52 a.m.
This is awful. Why are you getting up that early? Go back to bed, Ashton.
17. Working out on the balcony, 4:04 a.m.
You know when you go out on your high-rise balcony overlooking an unidentifiable city (Gotham?) and do 13 minutes of push-ups, all while bathed in a regal purple glow? I also do this every day, and I gotta say, it sucks.
16. Putting on a gold watch to go to the gym, 6:07 a.m.
As the famous adage goes, “No expensive accessory, no gain.” In order for the optimal workout to take place, one must have that shit on. A two-tone Rolex Datejust and a Van Cleef bracelet jangling around while you dominate the treadmill, then take a dip in the pool—more on that in a sec—is undoubtedly a power move, but seems wildly unnecessary.
15. Dunking his entire face in a bowl of ice water (the first time), 5:49 a.m.
I do not want to do this. I’d much rather be sleeping, which is typically a dry and warm experience in my apartment at 5:49 in the morning. It should also be noted that we first see Ashton lording over the ice bowl at 5:47, with his hands dressing things up to create the perfect facial environment, so I can only assume it takes two full minutes to properly zhuzh the ice cubes.
14. Removing his mouth tape and brushing his teeth, 3:53 a.m.
This is pretty standard stuff. I feel like I could handle it, even if the only times in my life when I’m ever up and at ‘em this early, groggily dragging a toothbrush across my pearly whites, is in a hotel before catching an early-morning flight. Fitting, as my man might live in a hotel?
13. Slathering his breakfast in hot honey, 9:26 a.m.
I’m just not really a hot honey guy like that.
12. Running hella fast, 6:38 a.m.
Hall steps on the treadmill, gazing out on a gorgeous sunrise, and immediately goes running back mode. It is truly staggering how hard he is going here. Good thing nobody else appears to be in the gym.
11. Dunking his entire face in a bowl of ice water (the second time), 9:09 a.m.
If you thought you were done lightly torturing yourself with Saratoga water, think again! The only reason this version of the ritual slots in a few places higher than the first one is because doing it a second time seems much less daunting. It’s also at a much more reasonable time. My tolerance for extreme sensory activities is much higher after 9:00 a.m., especially when I’m already wearing business casual.
10. Swishing water around in his mouth for two minutes, 3:54 a.m.
After Hall finishes brushing his teeth, he pours himself a few fingers of water (Saratoga, obviously) and just kind of moves it around in his mouth for two minutes. This looks chill. But he can’t go over time because once the clock hits 3:56, he has to get ready for the muscle activation sesh on the balcony.
9. Four minutes of contemplating, 4:17 a.m.
It’s so hard to find stillness in today’s modern world. Luckily, you can always carve out a smooth four minutes to stand perfectly motionless in the dark—clutching a Saratoga 28 oz, chain glistening around your neck—to just think about stuff (protein, content, being dope, etc.). This is what separates the men from the boys.
8. Shirtless journaling time, 4:40 a.m.
This is the part of the routine that I, a daily journaler, can actually relate to. Except, not to brag, I usually write for a bit longer than two minutes.
7. Having a faceless woman make breakfast, 9:17 a.m.
Near the end of the video, as the time stamps get closer to when the rest of the world is also awake, an anonymous woman scrambles some eggs, fries up some bacon, and spreads smashed avocado on two large pieces of toast. The breakfast looks divine, honestly, but answers very few questions. Who is she? Does she live here? Is she chasing something beyond internet clout, and if so, will that lead to true fulfillment? Is that something she even wants? And by the way, what’s her favorite brand of bottled water? (I can answer that one, actually. It’s Saratoga.)
6. Soaking in the hot tub, 7:52 a.m.
This is one of the longer portions of the routine, and for good reason. Hot tubs are sick. That’s precisely why, every day for the rest of your life, you need to get in one at 7:52 a.m. and not leave until a person (again, is this a hotel, or just a well-staffed luxury apartment?) comes to offer you a towel at 8:07 a.m.
5. A 12-minute shower, 8:23 a.m.
Look, we all know we’re “not supposed to”, but taking a double-digit shower is so fun. The planet would surely like us to keep these under five minutes, but in Ashton’s case, he’s already had a busy morning! In the short span of four and a half hours, he’s already contemplated, journaled, exercised, and vibed. Now it’s time to cleanse. A nice little everything shower—with the chunky wristwear on, because why would I wash my wrist when I can watch my wrist?—really sets the tone for this next part.
4. Demanding 10,000, 9:15 a.m.
“So looking at it, bro, we gotta go ahead and get at least 10,000.” Dollars? Saratoga water bottles? Either way: Exactly.
3. Shirtless phone time, 4:55 a.m.
We all need a break every now and then. And up to this point, Ashton has been awake for over an hour and not looked at a screen yet, so he’s earned this guilt-free period of watching phone videos, which takes 35 minutes. I love being on my phone for 35 minutes.
2. Four minutes of diving into a pool, 7:36 a.m.
Bending the constraints of space and time is a crucial part of being a modern successful man. Hall knows this, as he leaps into the pool at 7:36 a.m. and doesn’t touch the surface of the water until 7:40 a.m. Anytime you see a body of water, you should be thinking about how to spend 240 seconds entering it. A prolonged, childlike dive is a strong move for executing this.
1. Rubbing a banana peel on his face, 8:45 a.m.
Listen to me very closely: I have no idea what the skincare benefits of this move are. I also do not want to know. Do not tell me. But it’s the perfect maneuver, particularly once you’ve already spent nearly five hours brushing your teeth, working out, streaming content, swimming, thinking, and ideating. Everyone knows that strenuous activity like this depletes your potassium levels, so it’s probably good to have at least 10,000 bananas on deck.
